


Dear Oliver

by jesileigh



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-03-06 14:57:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18853384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesileigh/pseuds/jesileigh
Summary: Felicity finds solace in writing letters to her husband over the years.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a series of letters, hopefully posting rather frequently. It will span from 2019-2040 and there will be a lot of angst but a lot of joy and humor as well. Thanks for reading.

Dear Oliver,

 

It’s been almost a month since you left with the Monitor. I thought by now things would be easier; after all, it’s not the first time I’ve had to live without you. I don’t know if it’s possible, but it just keeps getting harder for some reason. Mia started crawling today--I can’t believe she’s seven months old already. Time flies when you’re in a secluded cabin in the woods with nobody but your infant daughter for company, I suppose. I wish you could hear the way she giggles. She belly-laughs now, and I want to laugh with her but instead I just cry. I don’t know if you can confuse a baby but I’m sure I’m messing her up for life with these conflicting emotions. Add it to the list of reasons our kids will need therapy when they’re older. 

 

I’m sure it seems like I’m rambling, though it really doesn’t matter, since you’ll never actually read this. The truth is, sometimes that really pisses me off. I can’t stop the question from echoing in my head every night when I’m tossing and turning and trying to sleep in our bed without you. Why? Why you? Why us? Haven’t we sacrificed enough for the greater good? I love you so much. With everything in me. But sometimes I just want to hate you because I think maybe that would hurt less? 

 

We had to “bury” you after everything that happened with the Crisis but all I wanted to do was scream that it was a lie. You have a headstone next to your parents’ but I can’t even visit you because I know you aren’t there. Maybe if I knew where you were I wouldn’t feel so lost. 

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about our plans to ask for shared custody of William and wondering whether or not I should reach out to the Claytons. Mia deserves to have her big brother in her life. I know how much Thea meant to you and I want that for them so badly. I can just picture the two of them together and I know he would be just as wonderful a big brother to her as you were to Thea. 

 

But maybe it’s selfish to want him here with us. He’s already been through so much and sacrificed more than any fourteen year old should have to. I wonder if he’d even want me around or if it would just be another painful reminder of losing you. Then again, maybe I’m projecting. When you were in prison it was so hard to look at him and see you looking back at me. I’m terrified that Mia is going to grow up to look like you, but hopeful at the same time in a way. I know you live on in our children, I just wish you could have been here for them. For us. I still don’t understand why you couldn’t put us first for once. 

 

I was told writing to you would be a cathartic experience but I’m just angry all over again now, so I don’t know how much good it’s doing. Maybe I’ll try again in another month or two when everything isn’t still so fresh. 

 

Love, 

Felicity

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Dear Oliver,

 

Let’s try this again. Last time ended with me throwing up and not sleeping all night, but it’s been a few months now, so maybe I’ll make it through this one.

 

Your daughter said her first word today. Given that she’s mine I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner, but she made up for it in spades with her choice. 

 

Frak. 

 

She said frak.

 

I don’t know whether to be mortified or proud, really, but she did say it in context, after she dropped her toy phone, which was...something. I know you would have laughed if you’d been here. I thought about it later--the way you would have thrown your head back like you always did when something was hilarious to you. Your eyes would sparkle in that way they only ever seemed to do for me or William or Mia. I always felt so lucky to get to see you that way. LIke I was in on a really special secret. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop missing that laugh or your smile. 

 

She turns one in just a few short months and I’m so not ready for toddlerhood. I thought about throwing her a party but it’s not like there’s anyone I could invite. The lady at the market in town seems sweet and she does have two little boys who are toddlers, but I don’t know if we’re at that level of neighborly yet. Maybe next year. I might just try my hand at baking a cake myself for her. I know if you were here you’d insist on making something yourself. It would probably be full of fresh veggies from the garden you planted when you were still here. I tried really hard to make it grow this year, but nothing came of it. You always had such a magic touch with that kind of thing. 

 

I can hear Mia starting to whine in her bedroom again; she has been eating like a teenage boy the last few days and I’m sorry to say that my boobs will probably never be the same. 

 

This went a lot better than last time, thankfully. Maybe this is going to be a good thing after all. 

 

I love you so much,

 

Felicity

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mia turns one.

Dear Oliver,

 

Our baby girl turns one tomorrow and I just can’t shake this feeling that I’ve failed her. I spent the entire day in bed today, letting her watch cartoons and eat dry cereal out of the box. Days that are this hard seem to be fewer and farther between lately, thankfully, but sometimes it just hits me like a freight train. I wish I could reach out to my mom sometimes, but I know that’s not an option. John and Lyla call every so often to check in and make sure we’re safe. Other than that it’s just us. Alone. Completely isolated. 

 

I’ve always been a pretty smart person. I know what depression and anxiety are. And I think a part of me knows I should probably ask for help or see the doctor but I’m so terrified that they’ll realize that I’m not fit to be a mother and take Mia away from me. It’s almost paralyzing, sometimes, thinking about losing her. She doesn’t even sleep in her bed anymore because I can’t close my eyes at night unless she’s right next to me. I can almost hear my mother’s voice in my head telling me I’m going to have her in my bed until college if I don’t make her sleep in her own room but would that really be such a bad thing? At least I’d know she was safe. I can’t lose her, Oliver. I wouldn’t survive it. 

 

She’s so beautiful and so smart already, just like you’d hoped. You would be wrapped around her little finger if you were here, I know it. She started to climb before she even took her first steps this month. She’s absolutely fearless and agile and so much like you that it hurts. I just want to be a good mom. She deserves that, at least. What if I fail her like I failed William? 

 

Speaking of William, In a moment of blind optimism last week, I impulsively reached out to the Claytons to see if we could negotiate a schedule for him to visit. I want Mia to have him in her life so badly and I miss him so, so much. I haven’t heard back from them yet but I hope they’ll at least let him meet his sister. I sent a photo of her with the note. 

 

I think I’m going to try to take a shower now that Mia is asleep. Sometimes the hot water helps make me feel more human, at least for a little while. 

 

Love you always,

 

Felicity

  
  
  


* * *

 

Dear Mia,

 

My sweet girl, you’re one year old today. It’s been the hardest year of my life but you are the one bright star in the darkest of nights, my love. Your smile lights up the room and your tenacity and determination are so incredible to me. I didn’t know there could be so much personality in such a small person until I met you. 

 

I know I haven’t been the best mother to you this year. You deserve so much more than I’ve been able to give you, but I swear to you that I will always do everything I can to keep you safe and make sure you know just how loved you are. And you are so,  _ so _ loved, sweet girl. 

 

The day I found out I was pregnant with you was such an emotional rollercoaster. Your big brother was moving away to live with his grandparents and I felt like such a failure as a mom. And then I got a phone call letting me know you were on your way. I was so scared. I was so worried that your dad would be scared too. But when I told him, his face lit up in the most beautiful smile. He has loved you from the moment he knew you existed. And wherever he is now, I know he thinks of you every second of every day, just like I do. 

 

It smells like I’m burning your cake (get used to it, sweetheart), so I’ll sign off for now. I love you with everything in me and I can’t wait to see what the next year brings for us. I know that together we can tackle anything. 

  
Love,

Mommy

 

Ps. You’ve had a bath and you’re in bed asleep now after an epic sugar crash. I thought I’d add these photos for fun. You were loving that frosting today.

  


 


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Oliver,

William’s grandmother wrote back to me today. She told me William wants nothing to do with me and that I shouldn’t contact them again.

I can’t blame him. I really, truly can’t. Not after everything I’ve put him through and especially after I sent him away to boarding school while you were at Slabside. I never should have done it. I wish I could tell him that. I wish I could tell him how sorry I am and how much I love him.

If you’re out there, somewhere in the universe, I need you to know that I am so, so sorry. I hope you can forgive me for losing our son. I never meant for this to happen. 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear William...

Dear William,

I know you told your grandparents you didn’t want to hear from me again and I could never blame you for that. Not after everything we put you through. Everything  _ I _ put you through. I know this letter will never reach you and if it does I know you likely wouldn’t want to read it. On the off-chance that it does end up in your hands, I just want you to know how sorry I am. I’m sorry for all the chaos we brought into your life and I wish we could take it all back. I am sorry for the pain and the heartbreak and the fear. I’d give anything to be able to go back and protect you from all of it. Ever since you left, but especially since your sister was born, I have this gaping hole in my heart because you aren’t here. I don’t think our family will ever feel whole again without you and your dad. And you know I never wanted to replace your mom, but in every way that it matters you are my son and always will be. I love you, William, just as much as I love your sister. And even if we never see each other again, I need you to know without a doubt that I will spend every day of the rest of my life loving you, worrying about you and watching over you. I hope with all my heart that someday you might be open to meeting Mia. I know I’ve failed you, but the two of you deserve to know each other. It’s all your dad wanted in the whole wide world before he left. 

I hope you have the 16th birthday, and the life, you deserve.

I love you so much,

 

Felicity


End file.
